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Star Trek Top Ten
The Top Ten Classes at Starfleet Academy
10) Command 302: Wining in No-Win Situations
9) Communications 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies
8) Space Law 206: Avoiding Court-Martial
7) Navigation 101: Standard Orbits
6) Philosophy 203: Why All Major Systems Fail at the Same Time
5) Command 255: Choosing Minor Landing Party Members Who Will Die
4) Astrophysics 199: Recognizing Unknown Phenomenon
3) Command 309: Creative Obedience to Starfleet Orders
2) Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological Advances Under Time Pressure
1) Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and How to get around it
The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise
10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain
9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate
7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices
4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults
3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth
2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!"
1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are
collapsing"
The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has sponsors
10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there instantly"
9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation
8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner
7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System
6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator
5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs
3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign
2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"
1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise
Top Ten Ways to Shut up a Non-Trek Girlfriend (or BF) Without Killing Her:
10. Tell her "Your ears canna stan the strain!"
9. Vulcan Neck Pinch
8. Have an Android made of her then when she starts speaking tell her to "Shut Up!"(See, "I, Mudd" - TOS episode)
7. Wave Phaser in her face and tell her you will stun her with it.
6. Use transporter to split her into two separate personalities. Phaser Evil Girlfriend and keep Good Girlfriend. (See, "The Enemy Within" - TOS episode)
5. Tell her your watching the episode where Picard gets naked.
4. Ask if she wants to see the Picard Maneuver
3. Try, "Computer - End Program"
2. Tell her she's in violation of the Prime Directive and she is interfering with a lesser
developed civilization.
1. Borg her.
The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise..
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
Top Ten Bumperstickers for the U.S.S Enterprise
10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"
Top Ten Reasons Why The Three Stooges Could Easily Take Command of the Enterprise
10) Troi would not comprehend their emotions: "Captain, I sense...whoo! whoo! ...You numbskull.... Why, I oughta..."
9) Riker will be reduced to tears when they call him "Fat Boy."
8) Transporter. Cream pie. You get the picture.
7) Curly could jam turbolifts with his head, rendering security unable to leave their deck.
6) Larry, Moe and Curly have already been where no man has been before.
5) The enterprise crew will be mesmerized by Curly as he does the curly shuffle, and Moe and Larry will take control of the enterprise.
4) Wesley won't be there to save the Enterprise in the last few minutes with something he learned in science class.
3) Picard doesn't know the block.
2) If Curly can take a led pipe to the head, he's just going to laugh at a phaser on stun.
1) Any stooge can outrun Enterprise security.
Top 20 Uses for Data's Detached Head
20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboretum
13. Footstool for Captain's chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy
Surefire Signs that Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life:
1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
20 Things that never happen in Star Trek
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly
alright.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the
Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily
pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a
while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and
consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to
understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
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