Maureen Crossing was raised from an early age as a Jehovah’s Witness and, as she shares through these pages, loyally upheld the dictates of the Watchtower leaders. Having served as a full-time ‘Pioneer minister’ for a number of years, she is in a good position to recount the many pressures a Witness endures. as a Witness, her loyalty to the Watchtower was beyond question as is illustrated by the fact that when, at the birth of her daughter, she was found to be haemorrhaging, she held fast to their teachings and refused a blood transfusion despite the possibility of such a course leading to her death. Of course, as Maureen readily admits, she is not alone in many of her experiences and is well aware of the fact that many former Witnesses have suffered far greater losses than she. However, having experienced the joys of recovery from cultish manipulation and control, she was moved to put pen to paper by a desire to help others who may be going through similar struggles. As Maureen shares in her Forward to this article:
. . . if, through reading my story, one other person finds consolation and strength from my words, then I have achieved that which I intended.
Through My Eyes will, indeed, achieve this and much more since it conveys hope for recovery to victims of cult abuse.
Maureen has informed us that she will gladly correspond with any who would like to contact her. Write or E-Mail Maureen through us and we will then forward your message to her :
At the time of writing, I am celebrating freedom from the manipulative control of a
cult group. It is my hope that in sharing my experiences I may be of encouragement to
others who may be, themselves, weighing the costs of leaving a cult or manipulative group.
I wish to express my appreciation for those who have gone before me who were brave enough
to record their thoughts. For, in so doing, they demonstrated to me that there is ‘a
light at the end of the tunnel.’ My thanks go also to those who have been so patient
and loving towards me whilst on the road to recovery. As I put pen to paper, I feel the
need to defend the actions of my mother and father, through whom our family became
involved with the cult group. I wish to absolve them from any guilt that they may still
feel for their actions at the time and forgive them for the part they played in my
involvement. I am convinced that they did so only out of love for their family and concern
for our future. Finally, if, through reading my story, one other person finds consolation
and strength from my words, then I have achieved that which I intended.
When I was twelve years old, an event took place which was to change my life and that of my family for many years to come. It was in England, shortly before emigrating to Australia, that my mother took me to a religious meeting which proved to be the innocent beginning of our long and traumatic journey into the land of cult worship and manipulation. Unbeknown to us at the time, the journey was to prove to be a futile one, leading us nowhere but to a future of endless, unfulfilled promises. Years later, my mother would often express that she wished that she had never listened to the person who had called at her door offering her a 'free home Bible study'. However, understandably at the time, why wouldn't you wish to become involved with a religious group that offered an answer to your every Bible question and promised health and happiness for each member of the family? My parents were no different to any others in that it was their desire to provide for my two brothers and me a secure and happy future.
My parents were raised with a Christian background within The Church of England wherein we, as infants, were Christened. We attended a Church of England school and local Church services. My memories of such are very vague. However, there were already enough impressions on our minds to enable me, along with the other members of my family, to see that our first meeting at the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses was very different to anything that we had ever experienced before.
In 1966 my family left England and arrived in Melbourne where we were accommodated for the first few months of our new life in a migrant hostel. Perhaps little harm would have been done in those early days had the contact with the Jehovah's Witnesses been severed on our departure for Australia but, having travelled half way across the globe and, as total strangers, knowing nobody, it was only natural that my parents were drawn by the friendliness of a resident Witness family. Once again, the contact was renewed and, although the 'Bible studies' stopped and started for quite some time thereafter, the foundation was laid for our futile journey; a journey that was to continue for the next few decades.
There are many who feel that only the gullible or weak-minded enter cult groups but this is, in fact, the furtherest thing from the truth, a popular misconception. In my family's experience, many painstaking hours were spent in 'Bible study' and 'research' using the vast array of publications produced by the Watchtower (The Watchtower, while the title of the Jehovah's Witnesses' chief journal, is also used here to identify all things pertaining to The Watchtower Society also often referred to as the Organisation). As an intelligent man, my father, in particular, spent many hours, indeed months, searching for the loopholes before committing himself to the group. Perhaps this is evidence that the subconscious mind is aware that the promises held out are just too wonderful, too good to be true. Yet, to the newcomer, there seems to be evidence to support the claims being made and, without prior knowledge of mind control techniques and how they are employed, even the most intelligent of us are easy prey. Only now, after many months, am I slowly beginning to understand the process of mind control.
Mind control is very subtle and no-one can afford to be blase and uninformed if they wish to safeguard themselves and their loved ones from its effects.[1] Many cults have within their ranks intelligent people from all walks of life; doctors, lawyers, etc. Amongst the Jehovah's Witnesses, however, most of such 'professionals' attained their careers prior to their involvement with the group. The Watchtower, along with many other cult groups, preach the futility of secular education, especially for their youth.[2] Such was my personal experience. Neither of my two brothers, nor I, have any secular achievements of any worth. As Jehovah's Witnesses, we had no need of higher education or technical skills to achieve the goals set out before us. There was no need for us to concern ourselves with a future in this world. While we could feel for those around us who were striving for a house, family and career, our prize was immeasurable when compared to the mundane pursuits of those on outside, 'in the world'. We knew that we were not being deprived of anything of value. We were happy to sacrifice any childhood dreams and hopes for the better future that lay ahead for us; Eternal life with health and happiness on a paradise earth. We were secure. We were Jehovah God's chosen ones who knew the truth of the Bible. We were in the only Organisation on earth that could lead us to salvation.[3]
Firmly believing such things, I turned my back on my desire to be a school teacher without a second thought. A Grammar School education and two scholarships which I had earned during my teen years were cast to the wind. As loyal Witnesses, my parents were proud to encourage me in my pursuit of spiritual things. Even a Higher School Certificate was not necessary in our eyes and so, at the time of that examination, I was attending a Watchtower convention, pledging my loyalty to the Organisation by means of water baptism.Of course, at the time, I considered myself to be dedicating my life to God and to His service.
My first two jobs after leaving school were in a fish and chips shop and a leather tannery. The type of work I did was of little consequence to me. I was saving to buy a car in order to reach my goal of becoming a Regular Pioneer; a full-time 'minister' in the Watchtower's door-to-door work. My desire was to help save lives before Jehovah God judged mankind. To me, no other work was as important as that! I had no desire to become involved in the heartache associated with the pursuit of materialistic, worldly activities and, with this attitude, I eventually left home with a fellow Pioneer girlfriend to 'serve where the need was greater'. The following five years of my life were spent in the inner-city suburbs of Sydney where I devoted my time helping others 'to come to an accurate knowledge of the truth'.
As a Regular Pioneers within Jehovah's Organisation, this was, without doubt, the most rigid phase of my life within the group. Although the requirements for Pioneers has changed somewhat in recent years,[4] as a Regular Pioneer, during the 1970’s, I was required to spend at least one hundred hours every month in witnessing activities such as: calling from house-to-house, calling back on those displaying an interest and conducting 'free home Bible studies'. Goals were set by the Watchtower for the sales of books and magazines to the public and we were required, at the end of each month, to record the time spent in such activities and the number of publications sold on a monthly Report Slip which was recorded locally, then nationally and finally, forwarded to the Watchtower's World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. As Pioneers are required to be financially self supporting, the vast majority of us usually engaged in some sort of secular work for one or two days each week to cover basic needs and living costs. Generally, a Pioneer's life is fairly frugal with few, if any, 'luxuries'. I was amongst the ‘fortunate’ enough to own their own cars.
I have been asked whether I was happy during this period of my life and, in honesty, I have to reply that I was. To this day, I have some fond memories of that time. Though misled, as a Pioneer, I devoted my life to helping others and I believe, just as Jesus said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive'.[5] This is certainly true when one's motives are pure and one considers that they are doing God's will. The Apostle Paul, writing of the Israelites and their efforts to please God, wrote: 'I can testify about them that they are zealous for God but their zeal is not based on knowledge'.[6] From my stand-point today, I would apply those words to myself while within the Watchtower Organisation.
During the mid seventies, my partner and I were each to marry and have children and we both found that our increased family responsibilities meant that we could no longer manage the long hours necessary to remain on the Pioneer list. Sadly, my partner was racked with guilt which led to severe emotional problems and, tragically, to her taking her own life. The Watchtowe expects every baptised Witness to engage in the house-to-house activity for the maximum amount of time possible unless prevented by extreme circumstances. The Watchtower Organisation is no different to the many cult groups around in that it demands much from the lives of its members.
The Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses claims to be the sole channel of divine truth and spiritual light. As such, they demand absolute, unquestioning obedience and loyalty from every baptised member. The Organisation, as the Jehovah's Witnesses' spiritual 'mother', reserves the right to exercise complete control over every aspect of the Witness’ life; from the mundane to life threatening issues. Accordingly, theirs is the only right way to worship and serve God, leaving the individual no freedom of choice.[7]
Upon leaving, I found that I had to take control of my life and make decisions alone for the first time in my life and, while at times this was very challenging, it also often proved to be very frightening. Although unaware of it at the time, cult members have their normal reasoning powers interrupted. Reasoning things out for one's self or any other form of independent thinking is frowned upon as indicative of a lack of respect for the leader/s as the channel of truth.[8] As an evidence of their obedience and loyalty to the Watchtower, the Witnesses live an extremely busy and demanding lifestyle. The 'cost' of being 'in the truth' is not cheap when weighed against the sacrifices that they are required to make.
As one of Jehovah's Witnesses, I was expected to attend five meetings every week; each designed for the sole purpose of instructing and training the Witnesses for the door-to-door 'ministry'. As each of the meetings covered different aspects of this work, attendance was vital and, in order to benefit from the meetings fully, many hours were spent ahead of time studying publications provided by the Watchtower. After having assimilated the material, the obligation was then placed upon us, as individuals, to convey these 'vital Bible truths' to the public. Very little time remained for the pursuit of personal hobbies or for sporting activities, both of which were discouraged by the Watchtower [9] and even finding time to read the Bible directly, apart from Watchtower publications and assigned sections of Scripture, was almost impossible.
In addition to the five weekly meetings at the local Kingdom Hall, two Circuit Assemblies and one District Assembly are scheduled throughout the year and, again, all Witnesses are expected to attend. I have little doubt that there are many who regard these Assemblies with mixed feelings. On the one hand, little can compare with the emotional 'rush' that one experiences in mixing with thousands of fellow believers over several days. It is a time for catching up with family and friends from neighbouring and distant congregations but, most importantly, it is at such Assemblies, through discourses, role-plays and dramatised presentations, that the Watchtower Organisation releases its newest publications which disclose its latest 'spiritual light'. For single Witnesses, such large gatherings have the added benefit of providing a ripe 'selecting ground' from which to find an eligible partner. I say this without sarcasm, for single Witnesses who are seeking a marriage partner are very restricted in their choice as they are directed, through the Watchtower, to seek only another Witness - one who is ‘strong in the truth.’[1]0 In fact, to court a 'worldly person' could elicit judicial action from the elders, even disfellowshipping.[11]
In order to gain the 'spiritual blessings', sacrifices became a necessary part of our daily life. The Witnesses are expected to take leave from school or employment, regardless of cost or inconvenience, in order to attend meetings arranged by the Watchtower. Expenses incurred by a family in travelling, accomodation and meals, so as to attend an Assembly can be quite exorbitant. Such expenses can leave the average wage-earner with very little in his or her wallet at the end of the day. The Watchtower's free spiritual banquets have subtle, hidden costs and I vivdly recall one such 'costly feast'.
In 1969, my family and I travelled from Brisbane to Melbourne to attend an International Convention of Jehovah's Witnesses and I was particularly excited, for this was to be the time when I symbolised my dedication to Jehovah and his earthly Organisation and, accompanied by more than one thousand others, I was baptised. Sadly, due to my brother's illness and car troubles along the way, my family were unable to witness this event. Consequently, at time which should have been filled with joy was, rather, a time of worry and expense for my parents. In order to return home safely, my Mum and Dad were forced to 'hock' all their possessions of any value; they sold their watches, cameras and a radio in order to purchase petrol and food on the way home. To this day, as a family, we remember the cost rather than the 'blessings'.
These things are done voluntarily, out of a desire to please God. Hearts full of love move the Witnesses and members of other such groups to give of themselves until there is nothing left to give. No-one is prepared for the devastation one experiences upon learning that these sacrifices were not necessary and were exacted by a man-made organisation; not a loving Creator. It is little wonder that the cost of leaving such a cult group is so great in emotional terms and I have found that, unless dealt with correctly, such traumatic effects can linger for many years. Indeed, for a lifetime. I have no doubt that some will find it incomprehensible that the activities that I have mentioned could be considered to be a 'normal' lifestyle but I would remind such people that, for many, such as those raised within the confines of a cult group, such a life is the only one that they have ever known.
As a Jehovah's Witnesses, I was trained to 'put on a new personality'.[12] Such training is very intense and began upon contact with the group. I well remember my youngest brother who, as a six year old in suit and tie, delivered his first public Bible reading. As a male Witness, the foundation for his formal training was being laid at that young age for, within the Watchtower Organisation, far more is expected, in terms of achievement, of the males. They, alone, have the responsibility of teaching within the congregations and, in light of such, are constantly directed to 'reach out' for a spiritual position of worth and climb the ladder of progress.[13] Usually, the worthy male will initially be granted some small duty of trust, working his way through the pecking order; firstly as a Ministerial Servant and then, if 'spiritual' enough, or ambitious enough, rise through the ranks to Circuit Overseer with a number of Congregations under his charge.
These positions are dependant upon one's maintainance of certiain 'spiritual' requirements and, should they cease to be met, the priviledge is removed almost as quickly as it was bestowed. Although, in the letter of James, Christians are admonished that: 'not many of you should become teachers' [14] the pressure within the Watchtower to conform is great indeed and can often lead to much anguish if a man feels that his 'gifts' lie in a different direction than that of teaching. The feeling of being a failure or not good enough spiritually is quite common amongst male Jehovah's Witnesses. It is my belief that it was such pressures, accompanied by illness, that eventually led my youngest brother to rebel against the Watchtower which resulted in his being disfellowshipped.
The supposed ‘seriousness’ of the 'sins' for which one can be disfellowshipped is really quite irrelevant. The issue at stake is one's eternal salvation, one's hope for everlasting life on paradise Earth. Even when one chooses to disassociate, like myself and so many before me, one suffers the same fate. While in such a 'disapproved state', outside Jehovah's ‘Ark of Salvation’ (the Watchtower Organisation), salvation is impossible.[15] The only future for such as myself, according to the Jehovah's Witnesses, is a painful and perhaps prolonged death at the Battle of Armageddon. The very thought of such a fate strikes dread within the heart of each Witness who is taught to hate those who leave and dare to speak out about the Organisation.[16]
The 'prize' of salvation is only attainable upon one's return to the Organisation in repentance which is judged by a panel of three elders who dictate the necessary steps to reinstatement to the 'fold'. Until the requirements are fully met, all association with the spiritual family of brothers and sisters is denied, as they are shunned completely. Should they choose to return, they must attend all meetings without any participation, fully aware that they will not even be greeted upon arrival at the Kingdom Hall and that they will be required to sit alone at the back of the hall. Such stipulations generally last for a period of at least twelve months and are followed by a further period of 'probation' and 'restrictions.’ The power of mind-control techniques is such that the many disfellowshipped Witnesses return, following the requirements to the letter.
When one has been a faithful member for any period of time, there are few, if any, people outside of the Organisation that one can turn to. Having built a life around the group, there is nothing on the 'outside' - no friends, no help and no future. Such thinking provides a powerful motivation to endure the indignities and, in looking back, I sadly admit that I, too, am guilty of having treated disfellowshipped ones in a similarly cold and unloving way.
The psychological damage wrought by such teachings is, in reality, quite horrendous and I have no doubt that a desire to escape his supposed ‘condemned state’ contributed to my younger brother's eventual drug addiction. His addiction proved to be a vicious battle that he fought for many years as he searched for forgiveness from his Heavenly Father. Today, happily, he has won that long, almost life destroying, battle with drugs and, having found forgiveness in Jesus Christ, is currently reshaping his life with meaning and purpose. However, Watchtower teachings take their toll and he is still coming to terms with the many distorted and ugly teachings that were instilled in him from infancy. In so many ways, the road to recovery from cult manipulation is a long and painful journey, a journey that is often travelled alone, in as much as very few people fully understand the depths of anguish experienced by the former cult member.
The older of my two brothers was effected in an entirely different way to my youngest brother. Although, as a youth, he attended meetings with us, his commitment to the Watchtower was not as strong as the rest of us and so, as a young adult, he quietly drifted away from the Organisation. Even so, the emotional damage inflicted upon him throughout the years of his association, continues to bear fruit in his life. Having watched our younger brother's struggles and our parents' hurts, he now considers all religion to be merely a money making concern and has lost all faith and belief in a loving, caring Heavenly Father. I cannot begin to imagine the judgement that God will bring against the leaders of such cult groups who, while claiming to guide their members spiritually are, in reality, leading them far away from God and His love. I do not believe that they can, in any way, justify their doctrines and practices which result in the broken spiritual and damaged personal lives of their followers.
My Mother, having spent almost 28 years with the Witnesses before officially disassociating herself from them, still carries the burden of guilt for having initiated our involvement with the group. She has reaped no rewards for the many sacrifices she made throughout those years. Although working full-time, mum had to rush home to prepare our evening meals according to a strict schedule in order for us to attend the meetings on time. It was not unusual for my mum to wash and iron up to twenty shirts weekly - over and above the usual laundry. As I have already mentioned, there is little time for the average Witness family to rest or enjoy some form of entertainment and I can hardly recall the rare occasions on which my parents would sit and relax together in front of the television or simply enjoy one-anothers' company. With the many meetings to prepare for and attend and a regular family Bible study to implement, a night at home, just relaxing as a family, was a luxury.
My Father, too, carries the scars of his Watchtower involvement. He is afflicted with a number of physical ailments, some of which I attribute directly to his disappointment in seeing so many Watchtower promises remain unfulfilled. In the Bible book of Proverbs, we are told that: "a longing fulfilled is a tree of life", whereas: ". . . hope deferred makes the heart sick".[17] Throughout his life as a Jehovah's Witness, my Father passsed up many fine work opportunities. As a qualified engineer, such job offers were nothing to scoff at and, had dad felt free to avail himself of them, they would have been a profitable investment for the future. However, as aresult, while now retired and owning their home, both he and my mother live a comfortable but very modest life.
Sadly, for many other Witnesses, such is not the case. I can only imagine the plight of the many retired Witnesses who, swept along by the Watchtower's false prophecy concerning the end of the world in 1975,[18] spared no thought for the future and made no preparations for old age. As 1975 drew near, many Witnesses sold homes and businesses with full commendation from the Watchtower Society's Governing Body.[19] The hurt one feels when precious hopes turn to dust cannot be adequately described and yet, even though more than twenty years have passed since 1975, the Watchtower continues to assure the loyal Jehovah's Witnesses that the promised 'new system of things' is still 'just around the corner'.[20]
Not only do Witnesses forgo material possessions and benefits as a result of this teaching, but many couples have postpone having a family believing that it is wiser to wait for the promised paradise wherein children can be raised in much better surroundings.[21] What a bitter pill to swallow for those who discover their Watchtower dreams to be false hopes and who, now past child bearing age, see their peers surrounded by loving children. In this respect, I count myself fortunate to be amongst those who did not make this particulae sacrifice for I have a lovely daughter who, thanks to the good sense of her father, is growing up away from the influence of the Watchtower.
My daughter's father, from whom I am now divorced, disassociated himself from the Watchtower several years before I did and. although I did not appreciate it at the time, he encouraged my daughter to explore the Christian faith. In 1993, she gave her life to Jesus and continues to blossom in her Christian walk. I, like so many Witnesses with 'unbelieving mates', tried very hard to dissuade him from his Christian faith and, through my bitter opposition, compounded the difficulties of his recovery, making it a far harder experience than it needed to have been. At the time, as a 'good' Witness, I did everything that I could to show my contempt for his choice to return to that which I considered to be false religion. I would often liken him to the proverbial dog, which "returns to its own vomit" and to "the sow that is washed" and then "goes back to wallowing in the mud."[22]
When I look back at myself as a Witness, I see a very self-righteous person. I relied very much on myself believing that I had all the answers and that I was doing the 'works' prescribed by Jehovah God for salvation. The Watchtower teachings lead to a reliance on self rather than on a loving, heavenly Father and fellow Christians. It causes me to shudder when I look back at the person that I was, so sadly misled yet, so arrogantly confident.
I remember well an occasion when one of my former husband's Christian friends rang to offer her friendship and support to me. I wasted no time, or words, informing her that I did not need, nor want, her friendship as we were on opposing sides. I had the 'truth', she did not. When, finally, she offered to pray for me, my outburst was even more malevolent. Thankfully, despite my response, that lovely lady continued to pray for me and, even though I was making things hard for my former husband, whenever our paths crossed, she showed me only kindness and warmth. In meeting such people, I found the meaning of unconditional, Christian love and I thank her and the many others whom I have yet to meet who 'perservered in prayer' for me for I have no doubt that in answer to their combined prayers I am now free from the Watchtower.
This was however, a very confusing time for me. Even though I was desperately trying to hold on to my loyalty to the Watchtower by remaining close to Jehovah's Organisation, I did not see or experience the same kind of concern for me from my 'brothers and sisters' in the local Kingdom Hall. During this time, and after my husband and I had separated, I continued to regularly attend the meetings and engage in the house-to-house activity. Yet, I was never asked how I was managing personally, let alone financially. The stark contrast that I was seeing between the 'love' of the Watchtower and the love of Christians became overwhelming and, while I denied and resisted it for quite some time, I eventually had to admit to myself that the former was, in fact, conditional and not true Christian love. Still, it made it no easier for me to come to terms with the fact that I had built my life around lies and deceit.
Slowly, I became aware of my need for help and it was my former husband who kindly steered me in the right direction and provided needed encouragement and resources. Several months after formerly disassociating myself by sending a letter of disassociation to the Kingdom Hall elders, he arranged for me to speak with another former Witness and I remember being overcome by feelings of guilt. If you, as the reader, sense such feelings, I urge you to perservere for that person can give you something that you very much need now; Hope. When I first left the cult situation, I had the tendency to isolate myself, believing that I could handle everything on my ow n and I was very wary of trusting anyone again. However, there comes the time when we need to accept the fact that usually, we are in no position to help ourselves and admitting our need for help is often the frist step to recovery.
It is an extremely confusing time for most people for we are outcasts from our 'spiritual family' and years of indoctrination can hold us back from freely mixing with others within society. I recall that, for quite some time, I felt like an alien from some other world. The only people whom I felt knew and understood me, no longer acknowledged my existence and it is true, that others who had not shared my experiences, no matter how kind or thoughtful, really had little concept of my dilemma. When the belief that I had been abandoned by my Creator was added to the already overwhelming sense of loss, I cannot begin to describe the depths of loneliness that I experienced.
Misguided loyalty to the group erected an effective barrier to my talking with and reading material from former members. My recovery began, however, only as I overcame these fears. During this time I encourage you to 'pray continually' even though you may feel as though God is not listening to you. The Psalmist assures us that: "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."[23] He gives us the strength and courage to carry on.
I am, by no means, an expert on this subject and I recognise that I am still a 'spiritual babe' with regard to my Christian walk but I would like to devote some time here to my own experience on the recovery process. I believe that it is vital to read reliable literature dealing with cult mind control in order to fully understand the necessary steps to a wholesome recovery.[24] Leaving a cult will result in a grieving process that will be expressed through various emotions and these can last for many months, even years. I will mention here just a few of the emotions that I experienced and found very hard to cope with at the time. Initially, I felt angry and I directed my anger towards my parents for they were the ones who had introduced me to the group. This was followed by a sense of sadness over the unfulfilled promises and hopes and I was envious of those around me who appeared to have far greater coping skills than me. I also felt an overwhelming sense of hopelessness as I considered my life to be without direction, devoid of any goals and bitterness became an evident part of my life as I pondered lost opportunities. Finally, I felt very lonely, for others around me did not seem to understand my plight.
In mentioning these emotions, I hope not to depress you or in any way indicate that such things cannot be overcome. Rather, I am encouraging you to be prepared for such bewildering emotions and to endure this time by accepting help as it is offered to you. As you do, you will find as I have, that many people, particularly Christians, are only too willing to extend genuine, unconditional love. The only motive behind such Christian love is their desire for you to experience true Christian freedom for yourself.
Cult groups do very little to foster trust in others and, during the early months after leaving the Watchtower, I questioned the motives of all who tried to help me. I was convinced that they only wanted to study their Bible with me and get me into their particular denomination. This is a very common response for most former cult members. These had been our motives, as Witnesses, so, understandably, I applied them to Christians as they offered their hands to me in friendship and love. Having only ever experienced conditional love, it takes time to learn to trust again but what a wonderful thing it is to experience the love of people who, moved by their own love for God and His son, Jesus, display true Christian love in their lives. This kind of friendship, based on such unconditional love, is truly refreshing to the soul and speeds the healing of our wounds. The friends that you make during this time will prove to be true spiritual brothers and sisters; the type refered to in the Bible book of Proverbs: "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."[25]
As you perservere through the darker times, look constantly to our Heavenly Father for guidance and you will find that He has many rich blessings in store for you. Perhaps, for the first time in your life, you can enjoy an intimate relationship with God and His son, Jesus, without some organisation or other leadership blocking the way and you will discover, along the way, the true nature of God and His loving qualities. Added to these things will be innumerable other pleasures. I have experienced great joy in joining my friends and loved ones in being free to celebrate such occasions as Birthdays and Christmas. There is no comparison to the joy that I experience now as I freely give to those whom I love. It is so different to the perfunctory giving as done in the Watchtower. I experienced incredible joy as my daughter and I decorated our first Christmas tree together and excitedly wrapped the gifts we had chosen for others. This was the first time again for me since I was twelve and many precious and wonderful childhood memories flooded back to my mind. This is truly a special time as we, along with our family and friends, focus on the birth of Jesus Christ and rejoice in its meaning for us.
Now, after my cult involvement, I am getting on with my life, puting my past behind me and planning for my future. This is not always easy and there are times when events and places trigger thoughts associated with my Watchtower sojourn but I have learnt to deal with these and I now look upon them as my mind sorting between the things to keep and the things to discard. I have dealt with the grieving and no longer look back on the time spent in the Watchtower with bitterness but have, instead, learnt to take the good things and move on. I have used the excellent study habits instilled in me as a Witness to further my education and I cannot deny that I gained good training for public speaking and communication while with the Watchtower Organisation. Rather than believing that I have wasted my life, I now intend to make use of these 'assets' and, having the time and opportunity, put them to use and pursue studies that can further my career.
One of my greatest joys, however, is in seeing my daughter grow up in Christian freedom and in knowing that she need never fight for her future as both her father and I have had to do. In such freedom, she will be able to explore and use all of her God-given talents to make a happy life for herself. I am pleased that today, she has only vague memories of her time spent with the Watchtower and that her faith is now based on the truth of God's word which has been preserved and passed on through the Christian Church.
It is very hard to put into words the vast array of emotions that I experienced when I left the Watchtower Organisation. For those of you who have never been in that situation, perhaps a simple illustration might help. Imagine that you possessed what you thought was a valuable diamond. You paid the full price for your ‘gem’ only to discover, at a later date, that your 'gem' was, in fact, only an imitation. Although, to the untrained eye, it shines as brilliantly as a diamond yet it is, in reality, merely a cheap, man-made imitation of the real thing. I believed with all my heart that I had the 'truth' only to discover that that which I possessed fell far short of genuine Truth, the Lord Jesus Christ. [26]
Are you in the process of leaving a cult or some manipulative group? If so, I urge you to accept the help that is offered to you and read, read, read! The more knowledge you have of cult mind-control, the better you will understand how it was that you were lured into the group. With such knowledge, you will begin to be able to forgive; forgive yourself and those who introduced you to the group and, with such knowledge, you will begin to see the road to recovery unfolding before you. Talk with those who have walked the way before you and never give up on the hope that you too, can have the peace of mind that they have and do not allow yourself to become discouraged if it does not happen 'overnight'.
In the early days of my recovery, I despaired that the healing process seemed to be taking so long. At the time, I wanted instant recovery but now, looking back at that time, I see that it was much like recovering from a severe illness and I now understand that, just as it takes time for the physical body to recover and gain strength, spiritual and emotional healing cannot be rushed. However, the healing work is in the hands of our gentle and loving Heavenly Father who slowly but surely cleans our minds and hearts of all harmful teachings and heals our spirit from the painful effects of abuse. God assures us that: "A bruised reed He will not break, and a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish"[27] for, He is "our Saviour, who daily bears our burdens."[28]
I discovered that the future is bright. It is ours to take hold of and to make something of. I am instilled with confidence as I read of and sometimes meet others who have recovered from their cult involvement and are now enjoying their freedom to the full and I know that we, too, can follow in their footsteps. I find the words of Jesus to be a source of great encouragement in this, for he assures us that:
If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples . . . Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
Is there life after a cult involvement? As I put these words to paper, I happily join with thousands of others in replying, ‘Yes, there is!’ I won’t try to pretend that the road to recovery is an easy or smooth one but recovery is possible and the rewards of such are too numerous to recount here. If you have only recently left a manipulative group then I urge you to seek out the help of others who have trodden the path before. Whilst the pain from the anguish of our struggle dims with time, we never forget it and we are here to help all who place their foot, no matter how shakily, on the road to recovery.
Maureen Crossing
ENDNOTES